


The Office Christmas Party

by The_Dancing_Walrus



Category: The Flash (Comics), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Barbecue, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Party, Dysfunctional Family, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Swearing, Team as Family, The Rogues - Freeform, they try bless them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 12:45:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5375672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Dancing_Walrus/pseuds/The_Dancing_Walrus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This week in Central City: the Rogues try to do something normal. All hell breaks loose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Office Christmas Party

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rokesmith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rokesmith/gifts), [DragonTail](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonTail/gifts).



Leonard Snart woke up with the beginnings of a truly horrific hangover and a view almost directly up Captain Boomerang’s nose. He smelt like stale beer and one of Mick’s incendiary devices and it was too goddamn early for more of this stupid posturing shit.

 

Len shoved him back. Digger stumbled a step or two, recovered, straightened and crossed his arms, puffing out his chest. Len sat up, which was a fucking mistake but he managed not to wince.

 

“The hell do you want?” He ground out and Digger got that grim, flat expression Len had last seen when he’d been laying down all the reasons why Digger fucking Harkness couldn’t just go around murdering people with exploding boomerangs anymore.

 

“Christmas.” Captain Boomerang announced like it was a death sentence.

 

It was really too goddamn early-

 

“Wait ten days like the rest of us.”

 

“It’s Christmas.” Digger expanded still glaring down at him. “We need to have a fucking barbeque.”

 

Christ what the hell had they been drinking last night?

 

“What?” Len growled, cos Digger didn’t make any goddamn sense and his head hurt and-

 

“We need to have a barbeque.” Digger repeated, utterly serious. “It’s tradition.”

 

“Right.” Len replied because what the hell else could he say?

 

He scrubbed his hands over his eyes and Digger didn’t miraculously vanish so Len sighed.

 

“You want a goddamn barbeque, you can arrange it yourself.”

 

Digger nodded, once, like it was the kind of top secret government crap he’d been involved with before he’d stabbed the wrong guy with a boomerang. Len collapsed back into bed and didn’t really think about it again. His head was pounding, it was too goddamn early-

 

He wouldn’t realise what a colossal mistake he’d made for another two days anyway.

 

-

 

Lisa breezed in when he was up to his elbows in patent details for those new security trucks and plonked herself right in Len’s way.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me we’re having a party?” She asked, somewhere between a demand and a whine and if that tone wasn’t a signal for ‘you ain’t getting anymore work done today’ he didn’t know what was.

 

“We’re what?”

 

“Having a Christmas party.” Lisa expanded. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“Because we’re not.” Len told her firmly and he tried to reach for the pages detailing locking mechanisms but his brat of a kid-sister beat him to them.

 

“That’s not what Digger says.” Lisa observed, frowning at a couple of the diagrams and shifting to sit on the goddamn desk where she was even more in the way.

 

“He said he wanted a barbeque, I told him to knock himself out.”

 

Lisa nodded absently. “So we’re having a proper holiday?”

 

“ _No_.” Len grated. “Boomerang is charring himself some meat in the name of some weird traditional shit and probably giving himself food poisoning.”

 

“ _Fine_ ,” Lisa snapped back dropping the papers on his desk with a measure of finality. “I’ll handle the invitations then.”

 

-

 

“We _can’t_ have a goddamn barbeque Snart,” Mardon moaned at him the next day when Len was _this close_ to finding a safe way into the trucks Central bank was gonna use to transport all those old notes-

 

“What?”

 

“We can’t have a barbeque.” Mardon repeated and he had an actual honest-to-God _invitation_ in his hand to wave under Len’s nose. “It’s _Christmas_. It’s supposed to snow.”

 

Dammit Lisa had actually written invitations and fuck she’d better not have invited Cisco Ramon or they were gonna have all kinds of-

 

“And?”

 

“We can’t have a barbeque in the fucking snow Cold!” Mardon protested and fuck Len was probably gonna have to stop fighting this and let them all have their train-wreck of an office party or he’d end up in a fist-fight with half his gang by noon.

 

“Look Weather-boy, Digger wanted a goddamn barbeque and he asked first. You want snow as well you’re gonna have to suck it up.”

 

Mardon griped about it for a bit before leaving him in peace.

 

And Len spent four hours trying to plan a two million dollar heist only to give up because apparently even criminals didn’t work through Christmas anymore.

 

-

 

Mick stuck his head in in the evening with an expression like Len had just killed his favourite puppy.

 

“You let Digger have a barbeque?”

 

“Yeah.” Len admitted, because denial was pointless. “And?”

 

“You never let me have a barbeque-”

 

“OUT!”

 

-

 

They left Len in peace for another two days and he’d honestly almost forgotten about it all until Trickster Senior appeared at his elbow in the bar and Christ there wasn’t enough beer in the world to deal with that goddamn grin.

 

“So,” The Trickster drawled. “I hear we’re having a party.”

 

“Seems like.”

 

“You know I’m Italian,” Tricks volunteered. “And we love Christmas I could-”

 

“ _No_.” Len snapped and the Trickster pouted.

 

“Well if you _insist_ , but you are taking a very hands-off approach. The food isn’t gonna fall out of the sky and the liquor cabinet isn’t gonna stock itself.”

 

Len wondered if it was too late to run away to Vegas until Feburary.

 

“What do you _want_ , Tricks?”

 

“I’m so glad you asked!” And he beamed-

 

Then handed Len a goddamn list.

 

Captain Cold stared at it for a moment.

 

“We are _not_ having a fucking _eel-_ ” Len told him because goddammit he had to draw the line some place.

 

“But it’s _traditional_!” The Trickster whined.

 

“I don’t care. And fresh shrimp? Where the hell am I supposed to find _fresh shrimp_? It’s December!”

 

“That one was Digger’s-”

 

“Do they even _make_ beef sausages?” Len demanded because this had to be some kinda joke. “And what the hell is spleen?”

 

“’S an organ,” McCulloch supplied from further down the bar. “Bit like a pancreas.”

 

“ _No._ ” Len spat out.

 

“Awwww come on!” The Trickster wheedled.

 

“No offal and no eels.”

 

“Spoilsport.” Trickster accused and the pout was back.

 

“Don’t care.” Len grated. “No offal. No eels.”

 

James flounced off in a huff and after a long swallow of his beer Len noticed that the others were all looking at him like-

 

“What?” Len asked in an irritated huff. “The rest of you all wanna have a tantrum over it too? Is there some dumb Scottish shit we should be doing McCulloch?”

 

Mirror Master shrugged. “Whiskey. Plenty of it.”

 

That at least they could all get behind.

 

“What about you Baez? You wanna do Kwanzaa instead?”

 

Shawna rolled her eyes. “No one celebrates Kwanzaa, Cold.”

 

Which wasn’t true cos his Mum had but whatever-

 

“Anyone else?” Len asked the bar at large in a tone that definitely didn’t encourage the Christmas spirit.

 

After a moment Piper raised his hand.

 

“Is everything on the list meat? Because I’m a vegetarian-”

 

Of course he was-

 

“Get Tricks to cook.” Len suggested and went back to his beer.

 

-

 

“Lenny?” Lisa began in that tone that meant she wanted something and it was four in the morning was he not even allowed to _sleep_ anymore? “Shawna and Piper got us a tree. Can we put it in the bar?”

 

He scrubbed a hand over his face and tried not to wonder why a Christmas tree might be a 4am emergency-

 

“I guess,” He began. “Where’d they-”

 

“Thanks Lenny!” She said brightly and no that wasn’t-

 

“Waitaminute, where’d they get this goddamn tree?”

 

She hung up on him.

 

-

 

“You stole a tree.” Len stated flatly and Baez at least had the sense to look a little bit embarrassed.

 

“Not the _whole_ tree-” She protested.

 

“You stole _the top_ off a Christmas tree.” Len corrected and Shawna sort of shuffled a bit, looking at her feet while Piper shrugged.

 

“It’s the 21st,” Hartley explained. “We’d never be able to find one otherwise.”

 

Children. He was surrounded by goddamned children-

 

Len sighed and looked at the tree, which was a little bit battered, as if they’d had to fight with it. There were a handful of forlorn looking decorations clinging desperately to the branches and some tinsel that looked like the product of Lisa shooting at some old newspapers.

 

“Where,” Len said finally, “Did you get this tree?”

 

“Umm,” Shawna tried.

 

“Errrrr-” Piper began.

 

Unbelievable-

 

“Did you steal this from the City centre?” Cold demanded and they were both shaking their heads.

 

“Absolutely not.” Hartley insisted.

 

“No way!” Shawna confirmed.

 

Len’s eyes narrowed. “Police precinct?”

 

“No!” Baez protested.

 

“Mayor’s house?”

 

“No!” Piper swore.

 

Len took a deep breath and let it out slow.

 

“Where,” He growled. “Did you get this goddamn tree?”

 

Baez looked at Piper.

 

Piper looked at Baez.

 

After a moment Hartley shrugged and Shawna bit her lip.

 

“We might have sort of rescued it from STAR labs a little bit?”

 

Len sighed. They’d stolen the Flash’s goddamn Christmas tree. Of _course_ they had.

 

-

 

“Hey boss-man!” Trickster Junior called out, providing yet another obstacle between Len and a decent night’s sleep. “This party we’re having-”

 

Christ they were _never ever_ doing this again-

 

“What about it?”

 

The kid grinned up at him, a huge smile that was probably trying to be endearing and hit somewhere just below psychotic. Nothing good ever came out of a Trickster looking that enthusiastic.

 

“Can we get crackers?”

 

“NO!”

 

-

 

He slept through most of the 22nd and delegated the acceptable portion of James Jesse’s shopping list to Bivolo and McCulloch. Which in hindsight-

 

One of these days he’d be able to send the others further than the street corner without waiting for the riot.

 

“It wasn’t a _big_ riot.” Bivolo said as if that was the important thing.

 

Which it wasn’t. The important thing was that Detective Joe West head of the Metahuman Task Force was on the evening news telling everyone that Rainbow Raider was dangerous and unpredictable.

 

That and how the cops could apparently say ‘Rainbow Raider’ with a straight face now. Cisco Ramon had a lot to answer for-

 

“And I’m sure,” Len stated in deadpan that had better be becoming legendary. “That it was completely necessary to start a riot over a few pounds of shrimp.”

 

“Twenty five pounds-” Bivolo corrected in a mutter Len pretended not to hear.

 

He settled for giving Rainbow Raider a look. Bivolo flinched.

 

“Look I had to-” Raider protested.

 

“You _had_ to start a riot over a few pounds of shrimp?” Captain Cold asked congenially and Bivolo absolutely did not look terrified.

 

“They recognised me.” He explained. “It was a riot over a few pounds of shrimp or _jail_ over them.”

 

Len considered that for a moment and sighed.

 

“Roy do you know _why_ you were recognised?”

 

Len paused long enough to be sure Bivolo’s confused look was genuine. He sighed again.

 

“You’re still wearing the shades.”

 

-

 

“Lenny,” Lisa began in that sweet, utterly untrustworthy tone she only used when one of them was particularly stupid. “It’s a _party_. We don’t need jobs for a party.”

 

He wondered if she really hadn’t been paying attention or if she’d somehow missed-

 

“Lise, Hartley and Shawna stole the Flash’s Christmas tree. Bivolo started a riot to get our lunch. Axel started tying explosives to stray dogs cos I told him he couldn’t make us _crackers_. Digger almost got arrested yesterday because he tried to drink all the booze McCulloch bought and Mick tried to set a tower block on fire when I told him he couldn’t run the barbeque.”

 

Lisa didn’t say anything.

 

She just didn’t want to admit he was right.

 

-

 

So Len handed out jobs on Christmas Eve despite protests, complaints, a sudden downpour and a small furniture fire.

 

Shawna would handle the transport, Piper the security cameras and any relevant satellites. Axel would put together a series of diversions for the police which would be entirely non-lethal if he wanted to stay free of frostbite.

 

Bivolo would fix up the tree.

 

McCulloch was in charge of the alcohol and allowed to give Digger a concussion if he took more than his fair share.

 

Boomer was in charge of the barbeque and James was in charge of making sure what came off of it was actually edible.

 

Mardon was giving Central City a white Christmas. And snowing in as much of the CCPD as possible.

 

Mick was doing nothing and the Snarts were making sure it stayed that way.

 

Because Mick was a two-man job.

 

-

 

“I’m telling you Barry,” Cisco insisted in his ear. “They’re up to something.”

 

The constant heavy snow was making it harder to run: difficult to see and difficult to get a grip on the icy ground. It had come in suddenly in the morning and blanketed the whole City, stopping incredibly suddenly at the City limits-

 

Weather Wizard had been practicing. And-

 

“Cisco I’m not seeing anything weird. There aren’t any alarms going off or robbery reports?”

 

He wasn’t going to suggest it was all Mardon’s idea of a Christmas present exactly-

 

“No but-Security cameras are down over half the city man!” Cisco protested. “Even the ARGUS satellite’s gone dead. I’m telling you _something’s_ going on.”

 

Barry was inclined to agree: it was just too much of a coincidence otherwise. The snow, the security blackout, the…interesting presents the Trickster had left scattered round the City, wasting most of their morning and tying up any of the cops that had actually managed to make it through the snow-

 

They _had_ to be up to something. Except nothing was happening-

 

It was starting to get ominous.

 

“I’ve got something!” Cisco said excitedly, interrupting Barry’s thoughts. “UV trace says Cold’s gun was just fired down by the lake.”

 

Cisco gave him directions and Barry tried not to think too hard about what he was missing. Granny West’s old eggnog recipe and Joe’s roast turkey and Iris’ radiant smile when she handed out presents-

 

As he drew closer he saw a flash in the snow.

 

“I think I see it.”

 

He circled, trying to take Oliver’s advice and scope the area before he went in.

 

But it was cold, even with the suit. He could hardly see-

 

And if they _were_ up to something he could knock them all out before they noticed he was there.

 

Probably. Not that that was in keeping with the spirit of the season.

 

Barry paused for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Then he sped into the maelstrom.

 

At the heart of it, right beside the lake where the lights had come from, was a patch of calm weather-

 

On the lake side, in at least two feet of snow, the Rogues had set up a barbeque.

 

Captain Boomerang and the _Trickster_ were cooking-

 

On a barbeque! In December!

 

It was so surreal Barry almost slowed down enough for them to see him.

 

What were they-

 

He turned which was when he noticed the tree-

 

It looked _awful_. Like it had been hauled through a paintball fight then rolled in modern art. It also looked horribly familiar. He zipped closer and yep that was one of Caitlin’s paper decorations. Cisco was going to be pissed when he brought them-

 

Barry frowned.

 

Beyond the tree the Snarts had set up lines of beer bottles which were in the process of freezing, melting or turning golden as they took pot-shots with Heatwave.

 

On the other side Mardon and the Pied Piper had pinned down Axel Walker and seemed to be shovelling snow down his jacket.

 

Peek a Boo was in the middle of rolling her eyes at something the Mirror Master was saying while Raindow Raider hid his smile behind a drink.

 

Barry sighed. He should really-

 

There were gifts under the tree, knobbly and damp and probably cobbled together at the last minute.

 

Someone had managed to make Heatwave wear a paper crown and a similarly brave soul had draped Mirror Master in tinsel-

 

Barry took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose.

 

They’d shut down the entire City so they could have a Christmas party. The dicks-

 

He sighed again and zipped past the barbeque as he left, snagging some of the shrimp because Snart owed him for the tree.

 

It was actually pretty good.

 

“Barry?” Cisco asked. “You find anything man?”

 

If he said they were having a party Cisco would freak. If he said they’d stolen the tree Cisco would-

 

“Uh- No! Nope! Absolutely nothing.” Barry assured him. “Say umm since we’re done here how about you come over to Joe’s? He’s making eggnog.”


End file.
